I apologize for the months of radio silence. The thought of having to sit at my computer and type out a coherent blog post seemed impossible, so I didn’t. I have random stacks of ripped off pieces of envelopes with random thoughts on them littered about the house and about 74 notes in my phone that are just filled with random ideas and nonsense that I don’t even know if I could comprehend if I were to start going through them.
But I do know that most of them were written because a spark of, ‘I think I finally got my crap together enough to write a post’ lit the fuel just enough for me to jot down a thought…which was really just me having a manic moment…or day. But rarely are my days manic. Just moments.
The reality of living life as an unmedicated person going through life with bipolar disorder, PTSD, depression, chronic pain, and major anxiety is not fun. To be completely honest it’s been a living nightmare. Why am I unmedicated? Long story short…psychiatrist’s are severely hard to come by these days, and good one’s…just forget it. I’m on the verge of giving up…again.
I am attempting to work a full time job, be in college full time, serve a demanding ministry position in my church, have a house AND an apartment to take care of (which if you happen to venture into my apartment…fair warning…it has turned into what the inside of my head looks like), love two dogs and train our new puppy (that’s three dogs total for those of you keeping track at home), and plan a wedding with my fiancé. I feel like I’m leaving things out, but it’s not on purpose, it’s because my fingers can’t catch up with my brain.
I feel like I’m epically failing at being a loving and supportive fiancé, I’m failing at being a daughter, I’m struggling in school, I’m struggling in ministry…I am seeing the chaos around me, chaos that my depression has helped me orchestrate, and chaos that I am far too aware of, because my anxiety doesn’t let me sleep.
Yet I’m paralyzed. I’m stuck. I feel like I’m watching every single part of my life fall apart around me and I’m glued to the floor watching it all happen.
I made the mistake of googling marriage as someone with bipolar disorder and found an article that stated 90% of couples with a person who has bipolar disorder end in divorce. So I took this newfound information and I collapsed. I sobbed on the couch. I’m going to sabotage my marriage. I’m going to become too much a burden to my partner. He is going to leave me being I am going to push him to leave me. And a very wise woman in my life said, “So you aren’t trusting God with your marriage.” I guess I’m not.
I need to be spending time in the Word, with God, and also getting my crap together…I say for the fifty millionth time.