I have held it together for so long I forget what it means to not put on a façade. I hold it together until my breathing is shallow and quick and the walls close in around me and I’m on the floor in a panic attack. I hold it together so the outside world doesn’t know that inside I’m a ball of crippling anxiety and depression.

Holding it together isn’t what God is asking of me. He isn’t asking for perfection. He is asking for surrender.

I’ve been drowning for years in a state of constant struggle for perfection. Hiding what is really going on because no one can know that every aspect of my life isn’t held together and everything isn’t perfectly in it’s place. And I’m going to die as completely tense and panic filled as I lived if I do not learn to surrender my thoughts, my actions, my way of living, my everything…to the Lord.

I don’t want to die in these waters.

I’m ready to surrender.


3 thoughts on “Surrender”

  1. Kaitlyn,
    There is an excellent movie, Molokai, that I believe is available on either Netflix or Prime. The movie as a whole is moving, insightful and very beautiful. Bit, there is one scene in particular in which the lead character is struggling with perfection You may find it helpful. Hint: it takes place while the lead character is in a rowboat.
    Live your life, do your best. If you reach “perfection”, you’ll know that you’re already in Heaven. Until then, be happy and don’t worry.

    Liked by 1 person

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