Losing Hope

*deep sigh*

Sometimes healing doesn’t seem to be healing, it is backwards and messy and lonely. It feels like I’m not making any progress but instead I’m hurting more than I was before. Instead of progressing and working through the pain I shove it down and power through. Or shove it down and completely shut down.

Healing isn’t possible in the shut down phase. The shut down phase is scary and dark and I don’t like it. But it’s so hard to pull myself out of the shut down phase. It’s comfortable in the darkness. It’s comfortable not falling apart in front of someone. It’s comfortable to not ask for help.

I’ve shut out God during the past 5 months. I’ve gone in and out of shut down mode but I haven’t been truly real with Him. I’m not even trying. I’m just exhausted. The anxiety leads to depression which leads to overall exhaustion. I’m in the dark depths of that right now, cycling through excuses and anxiety and depression and shutting myself off from the world and God. I don’t manage my own emotions very well.

I find it significantly easier to help others navigate their pain and heartache and mental health rather than take even a second out of my day to take a look inside my own head. The moment I step out of the shut down phase and look in the mirror at the gravity of the situation is the moment I need to address my mental health and the heartbreak I’ve been avoiding working through. And I don’t want to. I don’t feel strong enough. And I can’t bring myself to wave that flag of surrender.

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