The Battle Within My Brain

I kill myself daily over and over again flipping through every single scenario in my head to figure out if I’m ruining my relationship, my friendships, my job, my family…

There is a never ending investigation against myself by myself to see where I am failing, where I am falling short, where I am being a hindrance and an annoyance instead of a help and a joy.

I thoroughly believe that me being mentally ill is going to be the downfall for everything that is good in my life.

Why should I be happy? I can’t be happy. I’m not happy. What am I currently ruining? How have I negatively affected my partner this week? Did I offend my best friend? Did I blow off my mom? Does everyone currently hate me?

I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I exhaust myself and overanalyze every single little interaction I have ever had. It’s exhausting. It’s ridiculous. But I can’t stop doing it.

I found this quote about OCD, It’s like you have two brains – a rational brain and an irrational brain. And they’re constantly fighting.” – Emilie Ford. That’s how it feels. Like my brain is constantly battling itself.

I found this image on http://helpguide.org

I obsess over everything, little things are huge things, I destroy my nails and pick at my teeth and scratch the same spot on my hand over and over and over again and pull at the same spot on my ear while I destroy my brain thinking about every single detail, every single conversation, every single underlying tone, every single facial expression. It’s all glaringly loud and screaming in my head. I don’t know how to stop the cycle.

I’m sure plenty of you can relate to the fear of relapsing and spiraling with your mental health during this time of uncertainty. with society, with our jobs, with finances, with the inability to afford mental health care, with doctors offices closed. It’s definitely scary. It’s a game of survival. The only thing we can do is keep checking in on one another and make sure that when we can afford healthcare again…that we actually make the leap to get help.

Life After Trauma

Life after trauma takes a bit more time…if that makes sense.

Simple decisions that used to be decided in a single thought now seem to take days. And even after you’ve made a decision you rethink that every single moment until you make yourself crazy.

You find yourself distracted by everything and anything and focusing on anything in particular…besides your trauma…just seems utterly impossible.

Mindless distractions take the place of responsibilities. New ticks take the place of healthy habits. Nail biting, picking your cuticles until they bleed, biting your lips, staring off into space, scratching your skin, tapping your foot, rubbing your sleeve…all things you do to self soothe…yet they never seem to work. You obsessively pick at yourself until you feel better.

Life slows down, it stops, it pauses, but at the same time it’s going far too fast and you can’t seem to catch up.

The simplest things take far too much time, far too much brain power, and everything weighs so much. Life is too heavy.

Life is wading in water and sometimes the wading becomes so exhausting that you slowly begin to drown.

It’s easier to close everyone out, even the most important people in your life, than to let them in even for just a second because you know as soon as you do the rawness of your vulnerability and scars may scare them away.

So you sit in your trauma…in your pain…in your loneliness counting down the days until you feel normal again.

Tea Time

How easy is it to settle into the comforts of tea time. I’m not talking about the traditional across the pond time of day to sip tea and nosh on tiny sandwiches…I’m talking about sharing gossip.

We feed off of what others are sharing about others. The gossip may even come in the form of a prayer request…”So and so is really struggling with [fill in the blank] we really need to pray for them!” Is such an easy, and seemingly innocent way to spread gossip.

If the information is not ours to share, we really shouldn’t be sharing it. We shouldn’t be getting enjoyment from sharing other peoples dirt, but we do. Spilling the tea is addicting and it’s toxic.

How do we stop? How do we stop what has become a societal norm? Pray. Be mindful of what you’re listening to and what you are sharing. Intentionally work towards keeping your mouth shut when it should be shut. And encourage those around you to do the same.

Our encouragement to not spill the tea could be as easy as not indulging in what others are gossiping about, or politely removing yourself from the conversation. It doesn’t need to be rude or condemning or start a holier than thou fight.

Be mindful that what you’re sharing is yours to share and will contribute to the conversation in a positive way.

Easier said than done? Absolutely. But with practice we can crush the desire to gossip!

Forever Changed

We are hosting a fun bonfire tonight for our students and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sob my eyes out. Something happened to me this past year that completely changed me for the worst. What used to bring me joy and excitement now brings me anxiety and dread.

I’ve changed into this depressed angry anxious person and I don’t like it. I miss the joy of looking forward to having a fun night and enjoying the company of those around me. Instead I’m praying I regain the ability to feel my face, hands, and face. Which is a common problem these days when I begin to panic.

I know, the Lord is supposed to be my source of joy. But even the thought of talking to Him these days makes me feel anxious. I know deep down it isn’t true but I feel too broken and hurt to even work on my relationship with God.

-ugh-

World Mental Health Day

It was World Mental Health Day. this past Saturday and I couldn’t leave the couch.

It has been weeks of long exhausting days, mentally taxing crisis situations, faking it through required social interactions, and panic attacks for what seems like very little reason. Completely overthinking to the point of making myself physically ill.

I have not been taking care of myself. My worries and stresses have been overwhelming and instead of seeking a therapist or reaching out to my psychiatrist or most importantly spending time with God I’ve been wallowing in a state of mental distress.

On edge all the time, completely exhausted, not even taking a second to evaluate the state of my mental health and implement changes. Just embracing this as an it is what it is situation.

I talk about seeking out your support group, doing check-ins, and making sure you stay on top of your mental health…but I’ve been doing little of what I’ve been preaching recently. And I’m sick of it.

I’m so tired of this routine, the routine of keeping up with meds and psych appointments and coffee dates out with friends and functioning like a semi-normal human being…and then crumbling entirely.

Do you have anything you do to avoid the total mental breakdown days…weeks…months? How do you combat what feels like the inevitable with anxiety and depression?

Back To Work After A 6 Month Quarantine

Six Months Without Working

I am an in home pediatric care tech for a little girl with special needs. I genuinely love my job. But I also spent the last 6 months being a stay-at-home mom (to a dog & a new puppy) and running the home while on my own schedule. My man would go to work, I would clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping, run errands, crate train, potty train, garden, etc. For six months I was in a let’s play wife bubble. And it. was. glorious! For the most part, there were also moments that my mental health struggled with the copious amounts of time.

how Did I survive My First Week Back?

Lots and lots of Coffee and copious amounts of grace. It was also an easier than expected transition. Waking up earlier than normal wasn’t terrible. I think I was more excited to get up and have somewhere to go!

In all actuality there was a lot of grace from myself and from my boss. My job can be demanding, and I always need to be on my A-game. But I am allowed some grace when forgetting specific routines and schedules. And I just had to keep more notes than normal, especially when it comes to the medication schedule.

Tips & Tricks

  • Meal prep so you have an exciting and filling lunch to look forward to
  • Take fun and healthy snacks to nosh on
  • On your way to work list what you’re grateful for, you have a job & income
  • If you’re able to listen to music while working make a killer playlist
  • Go into it with a positive attitude
  • Get new scrubs or work clothes you’ll be excited to wear

Rustic Ratatouille

Begin by preheating your oven to 350’F.

Make the tomato sauce. In a cast iron skillet saute a large yellow onion and garlic, add that to a bowl with a large can of crushed tomatoes, basil, oregano, salt, and pepper. Immersion blend until mostly smooth. Some chunkiness is okay!

Spread the tomato sauce in a 1/2 thick layer on the bottom of a deep pan.

Thinly slice eggplant, tomatoes, yellow squash, and green zucchini. Layer on top of each other in neat rows.

Bake for 30 minutes covered. Uncover and bake for another 15 minutes.

Enjoy!