Category: Uncategorized

Let Me Interrupt My Radio Silence with This Post

I apologize for the months of radio silence. The thought of having to sit at my computer and type out a coherent blog post seemed impossible, so I didn’t. I have random stacks of ripped off pieces of envelopes with random thoughts on them littered about the house and about 74 notes in my phone that are just filled with random ideas and nonsense that I don’t even know if I could comprehend if I were to start going through them.

But I do know that most of them were written because a spark of, ‘I think I finally got my crap together enough to write a post’ lit the fuel just enough for me to jot down a thought…which was really just me having a manic moment…or day. But rarely are my days manic. Just moments.

The reality of living life as an unmedicated person going through life with bipolar disorder, PTSD, depression, chronic pain, and major anxiety is not fun. To be completely honest it’s been a living nightmare. Why am I unmedicated? Long story short…psychiatrist’s are severely hard to come by these days, and good one’s…just forget it. I’m on the verge of giving up…again.

I am attempting to work a full time job, be in college full time, serve a demanding ministry position in my church, have a house AND an apartment to take care of (which if you happen to venture into my apartment…fair warning…it has turned into what the inside of my head looks like), love two dogs and train our new puppy (that’s three dogs total for those of you keeping track at home), and plan a wedding with my fiancé. I feel like I’m leaving things out, but it’s not on purpose, it’s because my fingers can’t catch up with my brain.

I feel like I’m epically failing at being a loving and supportive fiancé, I’m failing at being a daughter, I’m struggling in school, I’m struggling in ministry…I am seeing the chaos around me, chaos that my depression has helped me orchestrate, and chaos that I am far too aware of, because my anxiety doesn’t let me sleep.

Yet I’m paralyzed. I’m stuck. I feel like I’m watching every single part of my life fall apart around me and I’m glued to the floor watching it all happen.

I made the mistake of googling marriage as someone with bipolar disorder and found an article that stated 90% of couples with a person who has bipolar disorder end in divorce. So I took this newfound information and I collapsed. I sobbed on the couch. I’m going to sabotage my marriage. I’m going to become too much a burden to my partner. He is going to leave me being I am going to push him to leave me. And a very wise woman in my life said, “So you aren’t trusting God with your marriage.” I guess I’m not.

I need to be spending time in the Word, with God, and also getting my crap together…I say for the fifty millionth time.

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Toxicity in Friendships

I have begun the process of setting up healthy boundaries within my friendships. I tend to have a lot of one sided friendships with toxic people. I am very blessed with a small circle of people I can share my life with, ask for advise, and just pray with. I am also cognizant to be the friend that they need too. When they need me, I always try to be there. With coffee, with a listening ear, with a shoulder for them to cry on, with a hug, with prayer, whatever they may need, I’ve got them, I want to be there for them, and I do my best to be there for them.

Unfortunately there are so many one sided friendships that litter my life. Hence the implementation of boundaries. I realized I was beyond drained day in and day out because of these friendships. And not just that, but the amount of negativity and toxicity in these friendships was causing me to stoop down to a level I was not okay with for myself.

God calls us to love everyone as He loves them….but boundaries are healthy. I do not need to devote my life to these people, and I do not need to continue to be close friends with them if they are constantly gossiping, trying to get me to hate someone they hate, or cause strife in my relationship, as well as monopolize every single conversation. How To Set Boundaries was a great resource for me as I began the journey of setting boundaries with these specific people. I highly recommend reading the Practicing Loving Detachment section. I think I might actually write about that in the future because I could fill up an entire book about practicing loving detachment.

I don’t need to constantly save them from themselves or be a listening ear to the never ending negativity. But I can choose when to see them, and I can choose to attempt to be a source of positivity and love in their life. So as I embark on this journey of boundaries and loving detachment…I will do my best to be a source of Christ’s love while also protecting myself.

 

Hi 2020

Fully relying on the Lord seems like such a beautiful and fantastic thing that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. Maybe it’s because I struggle with pride and the need for control. Maybe it’s because I give in to my anxious thoughts that if I hand the reigns over to Him who knows what might happen.

I can’t keep living in this pit of worldly despair and crippling anxiety. It’s not sustainable and quite frankly I am totally over it. I’m over the sleepless nights and the sickness caused by anxiety. It’s exhausting. It’s tiresome feeling like I need to have everything together all the time. I am not allowing God to be the driver of my life. I am trying to shove Him into the mold that makes sense to me. He can have control over certain aspects of my life but not all of it.

He stays where I tell Him to and that’s that. But that’s not okay. And that’s not what Christianity is all about. Christianity is a relationship, it is faith. It is having faith in the Lord in ALL things. It is relying in Him. It is trusting Him. It is believing that no matter what happens….God is in control. It’s not worrying about tomorrow because the Lord will provide. It isn’t restricting Him to certain places in my life and telling Him where He can be God. It’s handing it all over. Everything. My entire life. My entire heart. My feelings, emotions, worries, aspirations, it’s handing everything over to Him. It’s being honest about where my heart is. And right now it’s in a pretty ugly spot.

By handing over the reigns of my life I am not setting myself up for self sabotage and failure and a life full of misery and anxiety. It’s knowing that some days are gonna suck but hey that’s okay. It’s okay for bad things to happen. It’s okay for everyday to not go perfectly. I don’t need to try to have it all together all of the time. I just need to know that God is God. That He is Lord over my life. And I need to honor Him with my life. With my actions, decisions, thoughts, and everything that comes out of my mouth. He needs to be in the drivers seat of my life. There’s no reason to try to hold onto the control that is destroying my mental health. I would much rather follow Him and walk alongside of Him than shove Him where I think He belongs.

Frozen Ugly Christmas Sweaters

I love this time of year. Ugly sweaters. Snow. Parties. What’s not to love? Enjoy this collection of snowtastic ugly Frozen Christmas sweaters.

Links are non-affiliated.

I love this one of Elsa
Sven & Olaf…what’s not to love?

Let it gooooo

You can’t get much uglier than this.If you get a chance look at the rest of the items in this shop too. Oh my goodness.

Snow-it-all

And my favorite..

My Poppop

I know you’ve all probably read this a million times before…but you are not promised tomorrow. I thought I had another twenty years with my Poppop. I expected him to be there as a great Poppop for my kids like my great grandfather had been there for me until he went home to be with God last year. I was awaiting the days my Poppop would teach my kids everything he taught me.

I completely took my time with him for granted. I never expected the phone call I received last night. It still doesn’t seem real. And I think it’s going to take a long time for me to process this loss.

He was such a strong man. An incredible worker. And never stopped working on his relationship with God and knowledge of the Bible. He was a strong leader of our family. And the best coffee roaster this world has ever seen.

He was stubborn and wise and his sense of humor was ridiculous but I loved it. All of his jokes were completely predictable and said over and over again so many times they’re all permanently engrained in my head.

My Poppop taught me some incredible things. If we ever go through another Y2K situation I’ll be the most prepared person in all of Bucks County and surrounding areas. He taught me to always do a job right the first time.

He taught my mom to be a hard worker. She is the strongest woman I know and I believe that is due to the countless hours working the farm and assisting my Poppop with plumbing jobs.

I can’t be certain but I’m pretty sure his love of his grand dogs may have been a little bigger than his love for us grandkids. And that’s totally okay because seeing his face light up around a dog was worth it. If there’s anything to come in 2nd place to I’m okay with it being a dog.

No one believed in my brother more than him. He loved Zack so much and was so proud of him. So proud of Zack getting valedictorian and then salutatorian in college. So proud of him getting a job at Mercedes. And I think that’s what I’m going to miss most of all. His genuine love and pride in my baby brother. The photo below is pretty old but it’s my favorite. Zack’s since grown a good half a foot.

And I will never forget the conversation we had about me finishing my degree. So Poppop in honor of you I can’t wait to go back to school and make you proud.

He loved my Mommom and supported her. He was her number one fan and best friend. Their partnership was full of love and respect.

Poppop, I miss you so much. I’m in agony and I’m so frustrated but I know I will see you again someday in Heaven. So until then keep Pop company with your jokes and witty conversation.

Please keep my Mommom, mom, aunt, and my family in your thoughts and prayers as we learn to navigate life without him.