Staying Busy

I feel as if I’ve written about staying busy a million times before. But guess what? I picked up a new client. Success does not come from sitting down, sitting still, and waiting. Success comes from working hard, working diligently, and putting buckets out preparing to catch the rain.

Casey Neistat has been a big motivator for me these last few months. “Do what you can’t”. What does that mean? It means doing what you can’t. Defying the odds, taking what people say you can’t do, and doing them. “You can’t be a famous chef.” “You can’t win the race.” “You can’t make a million dollars.” Ignore the can’ts and do it. Because you can do it. You can do the crap out of it. Screw anyone who says you can’t do something. There is not failure in trying, there is only failure in not trying. So what’s the harm? Do it. Do everything they said you can’t do. hhh



What does being intentional mean to you? Does the word stand out as something important?

  1. done on purpose; deliberate.

As Christians we need to be deliberate in our words, our actions, our thoughts, our prayers, everything we do needs to be intentional. Intentional ministry, intentional fellowship. We are called to be deliberate, to serve, to worship, to love. What if we started each day with the thought to be intentional, to do things on purpose? I think we would touch more lives, and be more fulfilled ourselves.

Instead of just going through the motions: wake up, eat breakfast, drink coffee, drive to work, work, drive to the gym, drive home, eat dinner, shower, go to bed – let’s switch it up a bit. Challenge ourselves to act deliberately. With great intention for the Lord. With intention to love Him and love on those around us. Open our eyes and actually take in our surroundings. Intentionally break away from the clutch of our phones to see who or what is around us.

How can we be a light if we walk through life with our heads down? Be intentional.


It’s been over a month since the accident and I’m still in so much pain. Mentally and physically.  The pain meds aren’t working and I can’t sleep.

I thought by now the panic attacks and nightmares would be done but it seems each day is getting worse. I can’t sleep unless I take a sleeping pill but I wake up from a nightmare reliving the crash in a cold sweat. I’m scared of getting hit again and frequently need to pull over because something triggers a panic attack. I start shaking uncontrollably and can’t catch my breath. I’m crying all the time for no reason and I’m sick of it.

My neck, back, and knee are in such intense pain that it keeps me awake at night. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for 2 hours or 14 hours I’m always exhausted and hurting. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and angry and I don’t know why. I have no idea who to talk to. I’m scared if I talk to my doctor they will just think I’m looking for stronger pain meds. Everyone I talked to said I shouldn’t still be in pain but the PTSD will take awhile. This is beyond aggravating.

I just want to help. I need this to go away. I can’t live with constantly reliving the accident. I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

Mary vs. Martha

Are you a Mary or a Martha?

What a great question. A question I repeated over and over again to myself at the 20th Anniversary event this past weekend. I was running around like a mad woman trying to find answers and solutions for the questions and problems. I didn’t get a chance to hear the message or soak in the worship. There was just too much to do, too many people to keep happy, too many tasks at hand. 

To be honest I am a Martha, I keep busy, I’m the hostess with the mostest, and I never sit down. Why sit down when you can be running around keeping busy and looking stressed out? 

Even at church on Sundays I’m keeping busy, journaling/taking notes from the sermon, running around assisting my mom, or teaching preschool. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Always staying busy, running around, and being to hostess with the mostest isn’t something to be proud of. 

Being available, being flexible, being willing to sit still, to pay attention to the present, and to focus on our surroundings is something to strive for. It’s something to actively pay attention to throughout the day. 

Did I miss something because my hands were full and my mind was racing? Or was I available to my present? Was I aware of the people around me? Was I listening? Was I soaking it all in? All day long I need to be actively asking myself these questions. 

Because my whole life will pass in the blink of an eye and all I will have to show for it are shallow business successes built on a jam packed day planner and stress induced medical problems. Not worth it.

It’s not worth missing out on relationships. 

The Wrong Coffee

Quick thoughts I have as I’m waiting for A in the car pick up line.

What’s something small that completely ruins your mood? Take your time to think it through because I found out there are a lot more minor inconveniences I let get to me than I first thought. 

Do you ever have two coffee cups in your car -one that’s new and one that’s from the day before…or maybe even older than yesterday? Have you ever accidentally taken a confident sip of the older coffee instead of the fresh new one? It definitely isn’t pleasant, it’s gross, its lumpy, but it shouldn’t be mood ruining. So why do I let that ruin my whole mood? Why do I become sour over that sip? Yes, pun intended. 

Instead of being angry or overly irritated, I should be taking a step back from that tiny interaction and assess what’s really going on. Maybe it isn’t the fact that I just took a swig of something gross. Maybe I’m dealing with something deeper. Because something so small shouldn’t make me so angry so quickly. My day isn’t ruined, I’m just having a heart issue. 

Minor inconveniences have a way of bringing heart issues to the surface. Why did I become so ticked off when that person didn’t use their turn signal? It didn’t do anything to ruin my day – I was just minorly inconvenienced and it irritated me way more than it should have. Today I am going to focus on my own heart issue when I’m quickly irritated. 

Don’t apologize for being human.

Patience….patience….patience….I repeat to myself as I patiently wait for my coffee. I glance at the long line waiting behind me in the drive thru, I feel bad. Really bad. They all have places to be, and I feel as if I am holding them up. I notice through the window that the baristas are hustling with a smile. That’s huge – they’re running around short handed and it seems two of them are in training – but they’re smiling!

The barista hands me a venti frappuchino topped with a truck load of whipped cream. Ugh oh no. I ordered an iced latte with almond milk. I’m allergic to dairy. I profusely apologize and repeat what I ordered. She’s new. She feels bad. I tell her it’s okay not to worry about it, that I’m fine with what she handed me, but she turned around to remake my drink. She couldn’t stop apologizing. And with a smile I reassured her it was no big deal. I would have never had her make if it was a normal day but I’ve been up since four am and had no sleep. 

I watch her make it, hot with whipped cream. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am allergic to dairy. That I ordered an iced latte. And that I don’t have time to wait for another drink. I have to pick A up from school in twenty minutes. I thank her as she hands me the hot latte with whipped cream and tells me it’s on the house. I thank her again. She was trying her best to keep the smile on and not seem flustered. Mega props to her for keeping it together amidst frustration and unfamiliarity. 

I’ve seen this same situation happen where the customer lost their minds at the new barista/cashier/bartender. And maybe they aren’t new, so what? Maybe they’re just having a really rough day. Maybe they had to put down their dog. Or they got some bad news. You don’t know what’s going on their life right now. Cut them some slack. Have some patience. 

People seem to forget that the person behind the cash register is a human being. A person with feelings and a heart and a mind that is filled with everything all at once. So be a human being and take the coffee, thank them, tip them, and encourage them. 

Bitter Not Better

It’s easy to focus on the negative. To say, nothing good ever happens to me, when something goes wrong. Why does God hate me? Why does He not want me to be happy? I’ve been focusing a lot on the negative lately. The car accident, medical stuff, family stuff, financial stuff. A whole lot of stuff. It almost seems like the stuff never stops. I have a history of getting bitter instead of better. And that isn’t healthy, it isn’t healthy to carry around the heavy burden of anger and self pity. Being miserable all the time is exhausting. It’s also exhausting to those around you. You will notice that the more you focus on the negative, the stuff, the less people will want to hang around you.

Joy, happiness, positivity, those are inviting and encouraging. But miserableness, anger, bitterness, worry, those are uninviting. It’s vinegar for the soul. It’s a foul odor for those who used to want to be near you. Instead of being a drain on yourself and your family, friends, coworkers, etc…join me in trying to replace the bitterness with something better. I’m actively working on getting better. Better at this whole happiness thing.

Today I am asking the Lord what He wants me to learn from all of this stuff, and thanking Him for what He has blessed me with.


Fake it till you make it…


Sometimes (okay more than sometimes) it can be extremely difficult to stay positive, especially in crappy situations. Well lately most everything that escapes my mouth has been negative and filled with fear. I don’t like not being in control, and these past few weeks I have been very not in control of the situation. So here’s to adding a little bit more positivity in my day. Because I can’t change the situation…but I can change how I respond to the situation.

The World is Daunting

The world is a daunting place, filled with miserable nonsense and unfair situations. I didn’t ask to be born into this nightmare. And I am certainly not trying to stay in these unfair situations. They just happen.

The phrase, “This too shall pass…” has become meaningless to me. As soon as one trial passes, another trial pops up in its place. I compare my unfair situations to the mythical creature Hydra. When you finally cut off one head, two more grow in its place. Well when I finally get over one trial, another much bigger one replaces it. It’s not fair. But who ever promised life would be fair? I guess I should be on my knees crying out to God in these times. But I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of the constant. The constant aggravation, the constant pain, the constant frustration. It gets old very quickly.


Finally get my clutch replaced, new door hinge put on, registration renewed, tires rotated, etc….and some guy speeding in a truck crashes into me. I can’t win. I’m not trying to be a martyr or a negative Nancy…I’m just so done with everything. The world is daunting and I’m becoming very tired from constantly fighting. I don’t have a car. I owe thousands of dollars. I don’t have a job coming up. I’m in a lot of pain from the truck crashing into me. They aren’t willing to see if he was texting. And they aren’t paying attention that he wasn’t paying attention. There were no tire skid marks. He was speeding and he didn’t even attempt to slow down. He was a jerk to me at the crash site. He couldn’t have cared less. Besides having to pull my car door open because the car was crunched up…he didn’t care.

How is that my fault?

How am I the one entirely at fault? How come I’m the one in pain, dealing with PTSD, lacerations, and bruised bones. I can’t sleep, I’m having so many nightmares and the pain is too intense for more than thirty minutes of sleep at a time. I’m crying all day long and I’m having constant panic attacks. I feel alone. I’m scared. And I’m worried. I’m on double doses of pain killers and double doses of sedatives to sleep. It’s not helping. I’m a mess. I don’t want to be a mess. I want to have a normal life. I am craving boring right now. I am craving not having to worry about every single aspect of my life. There is no such thing as a smooth straight road. My road has been filled with potholes, caters, road closings, and detours.

I should have died. I really should have died. So why am I still here?



Win for Women. 

*If this post doesn’t make any sense, I’m so sorry, I can barely think straight.*

Long story short: Got into a nasty car accident this morning, had to go to tow lot to pick up all the crap out of my car. Fire department disconnected my battery and taped everything up at the site. So my trunk won’t open and it can only open with key fob or button next to steering wheel. I go into tow lot office to ask them to assist me hooking up the battery. The guy fumbles around counting some random change he just found on the desk and then agrees to meet me out there. 

Well he never met me out there. So I popped my hood and had mom hand me my knife. Got the battery hooked up and was able to unlock my car, pack up all of the protein powder covered crap into bags, and get it all into my moms car. By the time we were done with that entire mess he comes wandering out with JUMPER CABLES to “help me”. Wtf. No that’s not what you need to RECONNECT a few wires. Jeez idiot. WHAT WAS HE PLANNING ON DOING WITH JUMPER CABLES?????

So he condescendingly says, “Oh you got that all by yourself?”

Mom said, “Yeah I’m not a weakling.” 

And I said, “It’s not like it’s a difficult thing to do. If you want something done right you gotta do it yourself.” Moron. 

Keep in mind: I did all this while covered in blood, cuts, bruises, and bruised bones. It helps dealing with the pain to be really pissed off! 

Moral of the story: If you want something done right you gotta do it yourself. Win for women everywhere. Booya. 💪🏼 Currently laying on a stretcher, hooked up to an IV, with a neck brace on.