Baby Steps

I was hoping to slowly immerse myself into this new position. I was not expecting the time commitment. I was especially not expecting the exhaustion that comes with it. Creating schedules, finding people who are dependable and reliable. It’s not manual labor so I thought it would be an easy task. I was wrong. So wrong. I am constantly concerned I will screw up or create an unhappy team. I don’t want an unhappy team. I want an encouraged and well rested team. A team that knows how much I love them and appreciate their time, their energy, their talents, and their patience. I want this team to know I am right beside them, both physically and in prayer.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this. I love everything about it. It was just a massive wake up call like an ice cold bucket of water was dumped on my head. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m just getting frustrated so easily because I’m exhausted and I’m working outrageously insane hours. Or maybe I’m not cut out for this.Maybe someone else would be more experienced for this. Maybe I’m not that person. I tell myself these lies right before my eyes shut for the fifth night in a row of three hours of sleep.

I am cut out for this. I am good at this. Yes, there are a million things I need to work on, but that doesn’t mean my gifts aren’t useful in this position. It doesn’t mean I am not flourishing and growing. I’m made for this. I need to stop believing the lies. I need to take a step back and realize this is a growing period for me. A painful growing period, but it’s much needed growth nonetheless. This will be significant growth. I will be learning patience, problem solving, and finding joy in crappy situations. It’s just what I need. Especially right now. I need to be more patient and more joyful.

I should rephrase that: it’s easy to appear patient and joyful. I do it everyday. 24/7 that’s me. Smiling on the outside, strong, tough, and happy. But on the inside I’m dying. I’m on fire. I’m in chronic pain, filled with anxiety, and worried it’s showing through my fake smile. I don’t want to appear as weak as I am, but sometimes it’s a struggle to constantly keep it all together.

But this will teach me about genuine joy. Being intentionally joyful. Happiness and patience without the facade of fake bologna. So bring it on because I am so ready for this character development. I am ready to be transformed because the Lord is with me and He has me in His awesome hands. This is His plan, and I am hoping I bring Him joy with my actions, thoughts, prayers, and words.

Because when it all comes down to it – this all is His. I have no need to worry, for this day is His, this plan is His, this position is His. It is all His.

Sleep Deprivation

Sleep and I have a love hate relationship. Most nights I need to take medication in order to fall asleep or get more than a few hours of restless sleep. But when I’m not on my meds, it’s easy to allow the depression and anxiety to take over my sleep schedule. There is no normal. It’s either no sleep at all, or too much sleep. I can easily sleep for twelve hours and still be completely exhausted the next day.

Last night I slept from 11pm-2am thanks to the dogs barking non stop at something that was trying to get into the chicken coup. I’m a zombie today. Chugging the coffee…becoming one with the coffee. So excuse me if I seem entirely incoherent. It’s because I am.

Here’s to hoping I feel like a human again sometime today!

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Realization

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About two years ago I was in a very brief relationship with someone I’d known for a decade. When the break up happened…I completely broke apart, I was inconsolable for a week, I didn’t think I was ever going to be happy again. I picked myself up and brushed myself off. But it hurt to the very core of my being.

I recently got out of a year long relationship. Do you know what I felt as soon as it was over? Relief. Happiness. Joy. Freedom. It was so incredible I can’t describe it. There was nothing to mourn. There was nothing to be upset, angry, or hurt over. The relationship had no love in it, the word love was never even said. I would say it was a ridiculous waste of time if I didn’t learn so much from it.

My point of this seemingly pointless post is listen to your heart and your stomach, there is something to be said for the vibes they both give off. Your body is more discerning than you think, it will always be honest with you. Love doesn’t have a timeline.

Frustrated

I became rather frustrated this week with a friend, they said something that was hurtful to me. They of course said it unknowingly because I never talk about my life with anyone, even people who have been in my life for almost a decade. I am independent in everything including my misery. I never saw the point in sharing my history, my ED, my mental health. I just don’t feel like burdening anyone with such precious personal information. Even if they are my good friends.

That being said, I shouldn’t be getting so frustrated with them for not knowing what they said was upsetting to me. They didn’t know and it certainly wasn’t their responsibility to filter certain things they say.

I don’t know how to get out of the habit of keeping everything inside. I am broken in many ways, and although I am slowly putting myself back together again, the brokenness still hurts.

Staying Busy

I feel as if I’ve written about staying busy a million times before. But guess what? I picked up a new client. Success does not come from sitting down, sitting still, and waiting. Success comes from working hard, working diligently, and putting buckets out preparing to catch the rain.

Casey Neistat has been a big motivator for me these last few months. “Do what you can’t”. What does that mean? It means doing what you can’t. Defying the odds, taking what people say you can’t do, and doing them. “You can’t be a famous chef.” “You can’t win the race.” “You can’t make a million dollars.” Ignore the can’ts and do it. Because you can do it. You can do the crap out of it. Screw anyone who says you can’t do something. There is not failure in trying, there is only failure in not trying. So what’s the harm? Do it. Do everything they said you can’t do. hhh

 

Intentional

What does being intentional mean to you? Does the word stand out as something important?

in·ten·tion·al
adjective
  1. done on purpose; deliberate.

As Christians we need to be deliberate in our words, our actions, our thoughts, our prayers, everything we do needs to be intentional. Intentional ministry, intentional fellowship. We are called to be deliberate, to serve, to worship, to love. What if we started each day with the thought to be intentional, to do things on purpose? I think we would touch more lives, and be more fulfilled ourselves.

Instead of just going through the motions: wake up, eat breakfast, drink coffee, drive to work, work, drive to the gym, drive home, eat dinner, shower, go to bed – let’s switch it up a bit. Challenge ourselves to act deliberately. With great intention for the Lord. With intention to love Him and love on those around us. Open our eyes and actually take in our surroundings. Intentionally break away from the clutch of our phones to see who or what is around us.

How can we be a light if we walk through life with our heads down? Be intentional.

Ptsd 

It’s been over a month since the accident and I’m still in so much pain. Mentally and physically.  The pain meds aren’t working and I can’t sleep.

I thought by now the panic attacks and nightmares would be done but it seems each day is getting worse. I can’t sleep unless I take a sleeping pill but I wake up from a nightmare reliving the crash in a cold sweat. I’m scared of getting hit again and frequently need to pull over because something triggers a panic attack. I start shaking uncontrollably and can’t catch my breath. I’m crying all the time for no reason and I’m sick of it.

My neck, back, and knee are in such intense pain that it keeps me awake at night. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for 2 hours or 14 hours I’m always exhausted and hurting. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and angry and I don’t know why. I have no idea who to talk to. I’m scared if I talk to my doctor they will just think I’m looking for stronger pain meds. Everyone I talked to said I shouldn’t still be in pain but the PTSD will take awhile. This is beyond aggravating.

I just want to help. I need this to go away. I can’t live with constantly reliving the accident. I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

Mary vs. Martha

Are you a Mary or a Martha?

What a great question. A question I repeated over and over again to myself at the 20th Anniversary event this past weekend. I was running around like a mad woman trying to find answers and solutions for the questions and problems. I didn’t get a chance to hear the message or soak in the worship. There was just too much to do, too many people to keep happy, too many tasks at hand. 

To be honest I am a Martha, I keep busy, I’m the hostess with the mostest, and I never sit down. Why sit down when you can be running around keeping busy and looking stressed out? 

Even at church on Sundays I’m keeping busy, journaling/taking notes from the sermon, running around assisting my mom, or teaching preschool. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Always staying busy, running around, and being to hostess with the mostest isn’t something to be proud of. 

Being available, being flexible, being willing to sit still, to pay attention to the present, and to focus on our surroundings is something to strive for. It’s something to actively pay attention to throughout the day. 

Did I miss something because my hands were full and my mind was racing? Or was I available to my present? Was I aware of the people around me? Was I listening? Was I soaking it all in? All day long I need to be actively asking myself these questions. 

Because my whole life will pass in the blink of an eye and all I will have to show for it are shallow business successes built on a jam packed day planner and stress induced medical problems. Not worth it.

It’s not worth missing out on relationships. 

The Wrong Coffee

Quick thoughts I have as I’m waiting for A in the car pick up line.

What’s something small that completely ruins your mood? Take your time to think it through because I found out there are a lot more minor inconveniences I let get to me than I first thought. 

Do you ever have two coffee cups in your car -one that’s new and one that’s from the day before…or maybe even older than yesterday? Have you ever accidentally taken a confident sip of the older coffee instead of the fresh new one? It definitely isn’t pleasant, it’s gross, its lumpy, but it shouldn’t be mood ruining. So why do I let that ruin my whole mood? Why do I become sour over that sip? Yes, pun intended. 

Instead of being angry or overly irritated, I should be taking a step back from that tiny interaction and assess what’s really going on. Maybe it isn’t the fact that I just took a swig of something gross. Maybe I’m dealing with something deeper. Because something so small shouldn’t make me so angry so quickly. My day isn’t ruined, I’m just having a heart issue. 

Minor inconveniences have a way of bringing heart issues to the surface. Why did I become so ticked off when that person didn’t use their turn signal? It didn’t do anything to ruin my day – I was just minorly inconvenienced and it irritated me way more than it should have. Today I am going to focus on my own heart issue when I’m quickly irritated. 

Don’t apologize for being human.

Patience….patience….patience….I repeat to myself as I patiently wait for my coffee. I glance at the long line waiting behind me in the drive thru, I feel bad. Really bad. They all have places to be, and I feel as if I am holding them up. I notice through the window that the baristas are hustling with a smile. That’s huge – they’re running around short handed and it seems two of them are in training – but they’re smiling!

The barista hands me a venti frappuchino topped with a truck load of whipped cream. Ugh oh no. I ordered an iced latte with almond milk. I’m allergic to dairy. I profusely apologize and repeat what I ordered. She’s new. She feels bad. I tell her it’s okay not to worry about it, that I’m fine with what she handed me, but she turned around to remake my drink. She couldn’t stop apologizing. And with a smile I reassured her it was no big deal. I would have never had her make if it was a normal day but I’ve been up since four am and had no sleep. 

I watch her make it, hot with whipped cream. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am allergic to dairy. That I ordered an iced latte. And that I don’t have time to wait for another drink. I have to pick A up from school in twenty minutes. I thank her as she hands me the hot latte with whipped cream and tells me it’s on the house. I thank her again. She was trying her best to keep the smile on and not seem flustered. Mega props to her for keeping it together amidst frustration and unfamiliarity. 

I’ve seen this same situation happen where the customer lost their minds at the new barista/cashier/bartender. And maybe they aren’t new, so what? Maybe they’re just having a really rough day. Maybe they had to put down their dog. Or they got some bad news. You don’t know what’s going on their life right now. Cut them some slack. Have some patience. 

People seem to forget that the person behind the cash register is a human being. A person with feelings and a heart and a mind that is filled with everything all at once. So be a human being and take the coffee, thank them, tip them, and encourage them.