Forever Changed

We are hosting a fun bonfire tonight for our students and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sob my eyes out. Something happened to me this past year that completely changed me for the worst. What used to bring me joy and excitement now brings me anxiety and dread.

I’ve changed into this depressed angry anxious person and I don’t like it. I miss the joy of looking forward to having a fun night and enjoying the company of those around me. Instead I’m praying I regain the ability to feel my face, hands, and face. Which is a common problem these days when I begin to panic.

I know, the Lord is supposed to be my source of joy. But even the thought of talking to Him these days makes me feel anxious. I know deep down it isn’t true but I feel too broken and hurt to even work on my relationship with God.


World Mental Health Day

It was World Mental Health Day. this past Saturday and I couldn’t leave the couch.

It has been weeks of long exhausting days, mentally taxing crisis situations, faking it through required social interactions, and panic attacks for what seems like very little reason. Completely overthinking to the point of making myself physically ill.

I have not been taking care of myself. My worries and stresses have been overwhelming and instead of seeking a therapist or reaching out to my psychiatrist or most importantly spending time with God I’ve been wallowing in a state of mental distress.

On edge all the time, completely exhausted, not even taking a second to evaluate the state of my mental health and implement changes. Just embracing this as an it is what it is situation.

I talk about seeking out your support group, doing check-ins, and making sure you stay on top of your mental health…but I’ve been doing little of what I’ve been preaching recently. And I’m sick of it.

I’m so tired of this routine, the routine of keeping up with meds and psych appointments and coffee dates out with friends and functioning like a semi-normal human being…and then crumbling entirely.

Do you have anything you do to avoid the total mental breakdown days…weeks…months? How do you combat what feels like the inevitable with anxiety and depression?

Back To Work After A 6 Month Quarantine

Six Months Without Working

I am an in home pediatric care tech for a little girl with special needs. I genuinely love my job. But I also spent the last 6 months being a stay-at-home mom (to a dog & a new puppy) and running the home while on my own schedule. My man would go to work, I would clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping, run errands, crate train, potty train, garden, etc. For six months I was in a let’s play wife bubble. And it. was. glorious! For the most part, there were also moments that my mental health struggled with the copious amounts of time.

how Did I survive My First Week Back?

Lots and lots of Coffee and copious amounts of grace. It was also an easier than expected transition. Waking up earlier than normal wasn’t terrible. I think I was more excited to get up and have somewhere to go!

In all actuality there was a lot of grace from myself and from my boss. My job can be demanding, and I always need to be on my A-game. But I am allowed some grace when forgetting specific routines and schedules. And I just had to keep more notes than normal, especially when it comes to the medication schedule.

Tips & Tricks

  • Meal prep so you have an exciting and filling lunch to look forward to
  • Take fun and healthy snacks to nosh on
  • On your way to work list what you’re grateful for, you have a job & income
  • If you’re able to listen to music while working make a killer playlist
  • Go into it with a positive attitude
  • Get new scrubs or work clothes you’ll be excited to wear

Rustic Ratatouille

Begin by preheating your oven to 350’F.

Make the tomato sauce. In a cast iron skillet saute a large yellow onion and garlic, add that to a bowl with a large can of crushed tomatoes, basil, oregano, salt, and pepper. Immersion blend until mostly smooth. Some chunkiness is okay!

Spread the tomato sauce in a 1/2 thick layer on the bottom of a deep pan.

Thinly slice eggplant, tomatoes, yellow squash, and green zucchini. Layer on top of each other in neat rows.

Bake for 30 minutes covered. Uncover and bake for another 15 minutes.


Reusable Bags

I LOVE these bags so much I went out and bought a second box of sandwich bags, and a bag of gallon bags. They are durable, versatile, easy to clean, help save the environment, and great in the freezer. PLUS they are relatively cheap!

I found the first box at the Container Store, but found them for cheaper at Target.

You can click the pictures above for links to the gallon size and the sandwich size. Russbe also make a snack size bag that Target sells as well.

  • Snack Size $6.99 for 8
  • Sandwich Size $7.99 for 8
  • Freezer Size $11.99 for 8

Stop Worrying

Can you do anything about what you are worrying about? Or are you giving yourself a panic attack or stomach ulcer over something you can do nothing more than pray about?

Philippians 4:16 Do not be anxious about anything.

I didn’t occur to me until recently that my constant anxiety and worry about literally everything going on not only in my own life, but also other people’s lives, was not adding a day to my life. In fact it was creating more problems. What I view as caring too much, is actually an incredible unhealthy way of trying to control life.

Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in God alone.

My not relying on the Lord for the things keeping me up at night is exhausting. Not just because I’m not sleeping because I’m so anxious, but because my brain literally never stops all day long. If I’m not worrying about finances, I’m worrying if I gave all the correct medications and dosages at work, or worrying if my man is going to get home from work without dying in a car accident, or worrying if my friends hate me, or worrying if my friends are going to be able to afford to move when they need to move, or worrying about every single thing I have zero control over. I’m not giving anything to God. Instead of handing it over, I’m holding onto it and I’m pretending it is my responsibility to have control over every aspect of life. Worrywart does not even begin to describe it.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So how do I relinquish this need for control that only fuels my already crappy anxiety? Well to start with I recognize it as a problem that needs attention. I recognize that God needs to be number one front and center in control over all things big, small, and in between. I recognize that my anxiety needs to be treated by a medical professional who specializes in mental illnesses. And I pray. I need to pray day in and out. Pray about everything. Pray that I can release the need for control, the need to worry.

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength. -Corrie Ten Boom

Stop worrying because it’s not good for you. Stop worrying because life is too short to feel like the world is going to collapse every second of every day. Stop worrying because you are not putting your trust in God when you worry to the point of needing to have control over everything around you, Stop worrying because you are not appreciating the here and now. Stop worrying because it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Matthew 6:27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Easy Homemade Hotpockets

  • Good Pepperoni (Really any toppings you prefer)
  • Mozzarella
  • Parmesan
  • Tomato Sauce
  • Italian Seasonings
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • 1 Egg
  • Freezer Pie Dough
  • Preheat Oven to 350’F
  • Mix in oregano, parsley, salt, pepper, and basil with the egg – set aside.
  • Roll out the freezer pie dough, cut into 6×6″ squares
  • Place egg mixture on the outside of the squares, the seam
  • On one half of the square place a small amount of tomato sauce, cheese, and your preferred toppings.
  • Fold over the side that does not have toppings, seal with a fork.
  • Brush egg on the outside of the pastry.
  • Bake for 10-15 minutes, or until insides are bubbling out and the crust is a golden brown.