Sweet Victory

I don’t remember what it’s like to live life without chronic pain and fatigue or the ability to breathe through my nose. I know I have it made compared to some people. Hell, I have it made compared to my brother. But I’m still sick and I still have to look at this face every day. I refuse to give in though and just lay around all day. As much as I want to, I will always work twice as hard to reach my goals. I thank the Lord they were able to diagnose me but I just need a day of relief.

The song Sweet Victory by Trip Lee is one of those songs I can’t get through without breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably. It is so relatable to my situation and everyone else’s who is dealing with auto immune diseases, genetic diseases, organ diseases the after effects of cancer, etc. Video and lyrics below.

The YouTube Video

I feel thorns where my crown was

(I be weak but I’m alive)

From the dusk until dawn yeah

(I’ll survive ’cause I got) sweet victory

Nobody can take it from me sweet victory

‘Cause I got (sweet victory) yeah

You see me limpin’

I know you see me limpin’

You can’t tell on these CD’s but bro I’m knee deep in it

I’m waiting in my weakness he may be deep in it

I be lyin’ through my teeth to say I don’t resent it

Even as I right these lines I’m close to tears

Body ain’t be workin’ right for 7 years

So miss me with that keep your chin up try to smile

Bro I’m 26 I should feel better by a mile

Keep all your anecdotes and cute quotes

I’ll pass some clichés for true hopes it too dope

I feel thorns where my crown was

(I be weak but I’m alive)

From the dusk until dawn yeah

(I’ll survive ’cause I got) sweet victory

Nobody can take it from me sweet victory

‘Cause I got (sweet victory) yeah

Toast to the King

Cheers to the ceiling

Feeling good we gon’ make it to the finish (sweet victory)

You hear me

Holla if you feel me

Yeah we still runnin’ even though we limpin’ (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Even though we’re winnin’ we’re still in it (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Now we livin’ (sweet victory)

They see me on the stage

They like that boy the man

They hear play on them songs

They clappin’ in them stands

They like “I bet you got a lot of good stuff from other bands”

So when I say it’s been a few hard years they think I’m playin’

But you don’t know my life boy

You don’t know my life boy

You don’t know what it’s been like on my wife

Don’t know my fight boy

Being in the trenches steady tryna’ fight my foes

And when I couldn’t fight no more it brought me low, low

It brought me low I know can’t bet it low

I feel thorns where my crown was

(I be weak but I’m alive)

From the dusk until dawn yeah

(I’ll survive ’cause I got) sweet victory

Nobody can take it from me sweet victory

‘Cause I got (sweet victory) yeah

Toast to the King

Cheers to the ceiling

Feeling good we gon’ make it to the finish (sweet victory)

You hear me

Holla if you feel me

Yeah we still runnin’ even though we limpin’ (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Even though we’re winnin’ we’re still in it (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Now we livin’ (sweet victory)

They like I here you talkin’ wins but I see your losses

You celebratin’ crowns but I see your crosses

That’s the paradox that don’t fit in your Mary box

You might not understand if you walk in this pair of socks

The Victor ain’t the one that’s winnin’ seventh inning

Trophies don’t go to the ones that got a good beginning

When I say I win I don’t mean the state I’m in

I mean that day when the grace got fade out then

I’m winning ’cause I ran with Him

The crown of thorn

Declares your King

A scarlet robe can’t cloak Your majesty

They nailed Your hands

You mailed our death

From the cross You reigned

Your Kingdom knows no end

Oh, Jesus

You won it all

Oh, Jesus

Victorious

Oh, Jesus

You won it all

Oh, Jesus

Victorious

Oh, Jesus

Agony & Denial

This is the three hundred and nineteenth time I am attempting to sit down and get through this post without breaking down into a mess of tears. Here we go.

There are so many years worth of pain hidden deep within me – it’s so much more comfortable to live with it than to work on it. I honestly don’t believe my relationship with God or the church will ever be repaired. I have spent years being extremely pissed off at both. I spent so many countless hours sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor or in the hospital. I remember one time in particular…the pain from my PFRF was so intense I could barely breathe. I fell down on my knees, face to the floor, sobbing, screaming for Him to take the pain away. To give the doctors answers. To get me through this because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the pain. I couldn’t take people staring at me. I couldn’t take getting worse and worse every day and no one could help me. Nothing helped the pain, the swelling, the bleeding, nothing helped.

That same month I almost lost my dad to cancer, stage three on the brink of stage four kidney cancer. They said he would have died very soon if he didn’t come in with appendicitis pain. I remember where I was sitting when my parents told me he had cancer. My dad had never looked so small to me. Just laying there in the hospital bed. I was terrified. My best friend at the time made a comment, “What are you going to do if your dad can’t walk you down the aisle?” I lost it. Within a month we weren’t friends. I didn’t need that negativity in my life when I was going through hell and I was watching my dad go through hell.

I read scriptures on healing, pain, and perseverance over and over and over again. I truly believed God would heal me. I believed He would rescue me from the pain. I believed He would make it all better. Instead I’ve been dealing with five years worth of symptoms, pain, and scars that will never go away. I’m bitter. Instead of getting better I got bitter. I got really bitter. I don’t even recognize myself. My actions, my thoughts, my behavior…I don’t even recognize it. I barely have any friends now because I’m so guarded I refuse to let anyone in.

Agony and denial swallowed me whole.