Sacrifice for the future. I used to be pretty okay with budgeting my money. I had a decent nest egg saved up. And then adulthood hit. My student loan debts tripled. Two car payments. And car insurance. And phone bills. And health insurance.  And my love of clothes. And my love of smart objects like watches, laptops, and TV’s. Ugh. Yes, Lord, I hear You loud and clear. “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal.” *ouch…conviction*

Last month I decided I really need to make a change since I haven’t been making nearly as much money as I used to. That meant cancelling Netflix, Crunchyroll, iHeartRadio, Starbucks, Ipsy, and Birchbox and asking my moocher of a brother to start paying for our Spotify premium that I’ve been paying for since 2011.

I’m still keeping the necessities; Hulu, Funimation, PS Plus, and Coffee. The four technical non-essentials I need (Okay I don’t need them, I want them). My compromise is I won’t be going to Starbucks 21x a week (I’m seriously not even exaggerating – I have a problem). I will settle for Wawa or making coffee at home. Not eating has saved me a lot of money. So that’s a plus. (Sorry Jayme, I know you said stop joking about that).

The point is there is so much in my near future that I need to be saving up for instead of frivolously spending my hard earned money. With the new job that starts in February I am making it a point to set aside 50% of my paycheck to savings. Meaning I am not allowed to touch it at all.

Please be praying for me.

1 Timothy 6:17 Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 14:29 He who is impulsive exalts folly.


My Island

There is $0.41 in my bank account right now.

I’m at my wits end. It’s been one thing after another. It’s the never ending medical bills. The having to be out of work for a week because I got my neck cut open. It’s the two car payments. It’s the client telling me to take the week off. It’s the threat that I’m going to be sued by the guy who hit me and that I should lawyer up. It’s taking care of everyone else all day long nonstop and then coming home and sitting in a room where I’m surrounded by dirty laundry and mugs that need to be washed. It’s the hallow feeling inside. The lump in my throat. The anxiety and the depression. It’s nothing yet it’s everything at once.

I’m shaking and terrified. I’m on an island of quick sand sinking faster and faster as gigantic scary waves bigger than life come at me from all sides. Even if someone came to rescue me in a helicopter with a long rope I don’t know if I’d grab on. I’m at that point where I’d be okay if everything swallowed me alive because I’m so exhausted I don’t know how I can keep doing this.

Everything was going so well. I wasn’t living paycheck to paycheck for the first time in years. I quit my terrible job and started a company where I was the boss. I had an awesome savings account built up. I was driving a nice car – my first car – my baby. I was feeling okay with life for the first time in a very long time. And then everything hit at once. Literally and figuratively. It was an explosion of sheer panic and nervous laughter.

The past six months have been pain on top of agony on top of disaster. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m in constant panic mode. I’m trying to please everyone yet I’m sinking further and further into a depression I’m not so sure I will be able to get out of this time.

And trust me…I know…cry out to God and He will hold me and comfort me. But I’m too embarrassed to even walk towards Him right now. I’m too weak to try to fix my faith walk. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to go. My parents and my brother have their own struggles right now without me crawling to them asking them for whatever help they could offer. And it’s not their fault. They each have their own island, their own quick sand, their own huge scary waves.

So I will sit here surrounded by dirty laundry and mugs that need to be washed pondering why I can’t just take control of life and handle things like an adult. And I will cry. And hyperventilate. And hope I will be able to fall asleep despite the fight going on inside of me.