Predicament Continuation

The stress has tripled. The expectations are limitless. I’m at the absolute end of my rope. My rope is currently frayed and to the point of disintegrating into dust. I am frustrated. I am struggling. I am completely overwhelmed. The good thing is I read somewhere that at the end of your rope is the beginning of God’s doorstep. So maybe this is a wake up call to be falling to my knees in His mercy, love, and understanding.

I am finding there is a very fine line between volunteering and being taken advantage of. You are told you can say no without any consequences, you are told it is your right to say no, yet that is rarely the case. Judgement and conversations that leave you feeling like a failure are usual the result of saying no.

vol·un·teer

ˌvälənˈtir/

verb

freely offer to do something.

work for an organization without being paid.

THAT is the definition of volunteering. Volunteering is not being available 24/7 for whomever wants to chat. It’s giving our time, our gifts, our money to something we are passionate about, something we are called to do.

Do not let yourself feel defeated or like a failure. Especially when you are already putting in so much time, effort, and money. You cannot be expected to give every last piece of yourself. It isn’t fair of the leaders to ask that of you. I certainly don’t ask that of my volunteers and I loathe when it’s asked/demanded of me.

God has called you to serve right where you are, He has called you to step out of your comfort zone, He has called you to serve HIM. You are where you are to serve HIM. You are not there to serve the pastor, the church, the ministry, the director, the leader, the staff, you are there to serve the LORD. How awesome is that? We are called to serve the Lord. What an honor. Serve like you’re serving the Lord. Because I know for me, if I continue serving like I’m serving the church I will crumple and burn into a giant explosion of fire. And nobody wants that.

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The World is Daunting

The world is a daunting place, filled with miserable nonsense and unfair situations. I didn’t ask to be born into this nightmare. And I am certainly not trying to stay in these unfair situations. They just happen.

The phrase, “This too shall pass…” has become meaningless to me. As soon as one trial passes, another trial pops up in its place. I compare my unfair situations to the mythical creature Hydra. When you finally cut off one head, two more grow in its place. Well when I finally get over one trial, another much bigger one replaces it. It’s not fair. But who ever promised life would be fair? I guess I should be on my knees crying out to God in these times. But I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of the constant. The constant aggravation, the constant pain, the constant frustration. It gets old very quickly.

Finally get my clutch replaced, new door hinge put on, registration renewed, tires rotated, etc….and some guy speeding in a truck crashes into me. I can’t win. I’m not trying to be a martyr or a negative Nancy…I’m just so done with everything. The world is daunting and I’m becoming very tired from constantly fighting. I don’t have a car. I owe thousands of dollars. I don’t have a job coming up. I’m in a lot of pain from the truck crashing into me. They aren’t willing to see if he was texting. And they aren’t paying attention that he wasn’t paying attention. There were no tire skid marks. He was speeding and he didn’t even attempt to slow down. He was a jerk to me at the crash site. He couldn’t have cared less. Besides having to pull my car door open because the car was crunched up…he didn’t care.

How is that my fault?

How am I the one entirely at fault? How come I’m the one in pain, dealing with PTSD, lacerations, and bruised bones. I can’t sleep, I’m having so many nightmares and the pain is too intense for more than thirty minutes of sleep at a time. I’m crying all day long and I’m having constant panic attacks. I feel alone. I’m scared. And I’m worried. I’m on double doses of pain killers and double doses of sedatives to sleep. It’s not helping. I’m a mess. I don’t want to be a mess. I want to have a normal life. I am craving boring right now. I am craving not having to worry about every single aspect of my life. There is no such thing as a smooth straight road. My road has been filled with potholes, caters, road closings, and detours.

I should have died. I really should have died. So why am I still here?