God take this pain from me

I really just want to be at the whole clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future part of my life now please.

I don’t feel strong enough to survive this pain much longer.

Key word there being “I”, I guess.

God needs to be my strength. I need to let Him in and allow Him to cover me in His strength and comfort. Because the reality of all of this is that I’m weak and fragile and broken.

I tend to do everything I can to attempt to numb my hurt because being out of control and being in pain is killing me. And the more I can numb the pain the better I feel like I can survive my days.

But the attempts to numb the pain are actually emotionally crippling me to the point where I’m not healing, I’m not thriving, and I’m certainly not relying on God or giving control over to Him.

So I sit on the floor in my tears, post panic attack, and I’m begging God with the last few ounces of strength in my body….to be my strength and my comfort. So that I may move on to a period of healing and be able to help others heal and be in relationship with God.

Lord, take this devastation and brokenness and create something beautiful for You.

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Realization

About two years ago I was in a very brief relationship with someone I’d known for a decade. When the break up happened…I completely broke apart, I was inconsolable for a week, I didn’t think I was ever going to be happy again. I picked myself up and brushed myself off. But it hurt to the very core of my being.

I recently got out of a year long relationship. Do you know what I felt as soon as it was over? Relief. Happiness. Joy. Freedom. It was so incredible I can’t describe it. There was nothing to mourn. There was nothing to be upset, angry, or hurt over. The relationship had no love in it, the word love was never even said. I would say it was a ridiculous waste of time if I didn’t learn so much from it.

My point of this seemingly pointless post is listen to your heart and your stomach, there is something to be said for the vibes they both give off. Your body is more discerning than you think, it will always be honest with you. Love doesn’t have a timeline.