Here’s the thing..

Here’s the thing about chronic pain, at least for me….

24/7 I am constantly in some level of pain. All the time. However, there are flare ups, there are days it is significantly worse, days where it’s not as bad, days where the pain is targeted in different locations in my body, and days where it’s worse because of too much use from the day before.

So most of the time my constant level of pain is at a 5 (on a scale of 1 to 10), which is completely manageable for me. But imagine never having a break from that moderate level of pain, and occasionally having days where it’s unbearable, it starts to wear you down.

Which is where I’m at today. Today I tried to do things and ended up back in bed frustrated by how much pain I’m in because it’s at a level that isn’t possible for me to work on my list of things to do. So I broke down crying. Not necessarily because of how much pain I’m in but because I’m frustrated that I have a day off of work and I can’t physically get out of bed.

Wanna know what I did to cause a flare up of intense pain today? Yesterday I worked a full day, stood most of the day from 7am to 9:30pm, walked around with my dog and we did a small run that was maybe 100 feet. Nothing crazy, yet here I am unable to get out of bed.

I need to allow myself to rest and recuperate without mentally beating myself up over pain.

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God take this pain from me

I really just want to be at the whole clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future part of my life now please.

I don’t feel strong enough to survive this pain much longer.

Key word there being “I”, I guess.

God needs to be my strength. I need to let Him in and allow Him to cover me in His strength and comfort. Because the reality of all of this is that I’m weak and fragile and broken.

I tend to do everything I can to attempt to numb my hurt because being out of control and being in pain is killing me. And the more I can numb the pain the better I feel like I can survive my days.

But the attempts to numb the pain are actually emotionally crippling me to the point where I’m not healing, I’m not thriving, and I’m certainly not relying on God or giving control over to Him.

So I sit on the floor in my tears, post panic attack, and I’m begging God with the last few ounces of strength in my body….to be my strength and my comfort. So that I may move on to a period of healing and be able to help others heal and be in relationship with God.

Lord, take this devastation and brokenness and create something beautiful for You.

Where is God?

Most days I ask myself where is God in all of this?

Well I just haven’t been looking very hard for Him because He is everywhere. He is in every single detail. He works through my boyfriend. He works through my pastor. He calls to me on the days where I’m unable to crawl off the couch and He comforts me. He is always there. Always.

So where is God in all of this? Just look around.

Turn to Joy

“Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy.” John 16:20 ESV

Sorrow will turn to joy. I find that so comforting! This sorrow that I am facing will turn to joy. Sorrow, mourning, pain, all of our trials will turn to joy. See also Jeremiah 31, it’s a fantastic read, and I truly recommend taking the time to pour over the verses in Jeremiah 31. Verse 13 for instance, I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow. 

As Christians, our lives aren’t marked by perfect health and constant prosperity. In fact, Jesus promised that we will experience sufering. But with that promise of pain comes the hope that our sorrow will be turned to joy.

“Turn to Joy” from The Weekly Prayer Project

Turning to joy when we are facing painful trials isn’t always our first reaction. It should be. Our first reaction should be to turn to Christ and find our joy in Him. We are going to experience pain and suffering, but that doesn’t mean we need to wallow in bitterness and anger. What a testament to Lord if we react to trials with joy and love and a closer relationship with Him. Beauty to ashes, what Satan meant for harm God will use for good! Don’t suffer in the trials, grow in them! Turn to joy!

Acts 14:22 “…strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God,” they said.”‘

Romans 8:28  ^“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. “

 

Love > Bitterness

Lysa TerKeurst has been through the wringer. Satan has attacked her and her family because she is allowing God to work through her and use her. She has been strong through it all and so filled with the grace and love of Christ. 

I strive to get to the place where my circumstances will not destroy my relationship with God or my mood. Even a little bit. I pray that God will use my pain and suffering and trials and that I won’t become hardened and bitter. 

Her circumstances over the past few years would have left me bedridden and destroyed. The ultimate human rejection. I don’t think my bounce back from that heartbreak would be filled with as much understanding and grace as hers was. I don’t know what her time of mourning looked like after finding out of her husband’s infidelity but I know that how she wrote about it and used the pain to showcase the love of Christ was monumental and incredible. Truly a mirror image to the love of our Lord. 

She is a representation of beauty from ashes. Learning from her pain. Growing and building her relationship with God despite her grief. What Satan meant for destruction the Lord used for good. The forgiveness and grace for her husband is huge and beautiful. Their love for each other and the rebuilding of what was broken is just such a testament to God’s love. 

I want to hug her so tightly and thank her for her testimony. I pray the Lord can work on my heart and soften it so that I pour out love instead of bitterness. 

Isaiah 41:1 God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble. 

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. 

Even If

There have been two songs swimming through my brain for the past two weeks. Usually when I am stressed out I neglect my time with God in a huge way, which causes more stress! I think my brain knows this so it plays two songs on repeat. Even If by Mercy Me, and Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. Two powerful songs. Encouraging. Uplifting. And much needed.

Yesterday I had a breakdown. I was thinking about everything all at once and I couldn’t breathe. My chest was weighed down and my breathing was panicky. One line kept playing through my brain louder than my doom filled thoughts, they say it only takes a little faith to move a mountain, well good thing a little faith is all I have.

I opened Spotify and put the song on repeat. Within five seconds I was sobbing. Weeks of pent up bitterness and anxiety and frustration and pain flooded out of me as I tried to sing the words too. I don’t think my word were audible at all but I know He heard them loud and clear.

Like the prodigal son returning to his fathers arms I clung to those lyrics like I was holding onto the Lord with all the strength I had left in me. I struggle to hold steadfast in my faith when the waves are crashing down all around me. But this song reminds me He has me covered, even if things don’t go my way, even if the struggles endure, He has me.

Sweet Victory

I don’t remember what it’s like to live life without chronic pain and fatigue or the ability to breathe through my nose. I know I have it made compared to some people. Hell, I have it made compared to my brother. But I’m still sick and I still have to look at this face every day. I refuse to give in though and just lay around all day. As much as I want to, I will always work twice as hard to reach my goals. I thank the Lord they were able to diagnose me but I just need a day of relief.

The song Sweet Victory by Trip Lee is one of those songs I can’t get through without breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably. It is so relatable to my situation and everyone else’s who is dealing with auto immune diseases, genetic diseases, organ diseases the after effects of cancer, etc. Video and lyrics below.

The YouTube Video

I feel thorns where my crown was

(I be weak but I’m alive)

From the dusk until dawn yeah

(I’ll survive ’cause I got) sweet victory

Nobody can take it from me sweet victory

‘Cause I got (sweet victory) yeah

You see me limpin’

I know you see me limpin’

You can’t tell on these CD’s but bro I’m knee deep in it

I’m waiting in my weakness he may be deep in it

I be lyin’ through my teeth to say I don’t resent it

Even as I right these lines I’m close to tears

Body ain’t be workin’ right for 7 years

So miss me with that keep your chin up try to smile

Bro I’m 26 I should feel better by a mile

Keep all your anecdotes and cute quotes

I’ll pass some clichés for true hopes it too dope

I feel thorns where my crown was

(I be weak but I’m alive)

From the dusk until dawn yeah

(I’ll survive ’cause I got) sweet victory

Nobody can take it from me sweet victory

‘Cause I got (sweet victory) yeah

Toast to the King

Cheers to the ceiling

Feeling good we gon’ make it to the finish (sweet victory)

You hear me

Holla if you feel me

Yeah we still runnin’ even though we limpin’ (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Even though we’re winnin’ we’re still in it (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Now we livin’ (sweet victory)

They see me on the stage

They like that boy the man

They hear play on them songs

They clappin’ in them stands

They like “I bet you got a lot of good stuff from other bands”

So when I say it’s been a few hard years they think I’m playin’

But you don’t know my life boy

You don’t know my life boy

You don’t know what it’s been like on my wife

Don’t know my fight boy

Being in the trenches steady tryna’ fight my foes

And when I couldn’t fight no more it brought me low, low

It brought me low I know can’t bet it low

I feel thorns where my crown was

(I be weak but I’m alive)

From the dusk until dawn yeah

(I’ll survive ’cause I got) sweet victory

Nobody can take it from me sweet victory

‘Cause I got (sweet victory) yeah

Toast to the King

Cheers to the ceiling

Feeling good we gon’ make it to the finish (sweet victory)

You hear me

Holla if you feel me

Yeah we still runnin’ even though we limpin’ (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Even though we’re winnin’ we’re still in it (sweet victory)

‘Cause we winnin’, yeah we know we winnin’

Now we livin’ (sweet victory)

They like I here you talkin’ wins but I see your losses

You celebratin’ crowns but I see your crosses

That’s the paradox that don’t fit in your Mary box

You might not understand if you walk in this pair of socks

The Victor ain’t the one that’s winnin’ seventh inning

Trophies don’t go to the ones that got a good beginning

When I say I win I don’t mean the state I’m in

I mean that day when the grace got fade out then

I’m winning ’cause I ran with Him

The crown of thorn

Declares your King

A scarlet robe can’t cloak Your majesty

They nailed Your hands

You mailed our death

From the cross You reigned

Your Kingdom knows no end

Oh, Jesus

You won it all

Oh, Jesus

Victorious

Oh, Jesus

You won it all

Oh, Jesus

Victorious

Oh, Jesus

Ptsd

It’s been over a month since the accident and I’m still in so much pain. Mentally and physically.  The pain meds aren’t working and I can’t sleep.

I thought by now the panic attacks and nightmares would be done but it seems each day is getting worse. I can’t sleep unless I take a sleeping pill but I wake up from a nightmare reliving the crash in a cold sweat. I’m scared of getting hit again and frequently need to pull over because something triggers a panic attack. I start shaking uncontrollably and can’t catch my breath. I’m crying all the time for no reason and I’m sick of it.

My neck, back, and knee are in such intense pain that it keeps me awake at night. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for 2 hours or 14 hours I’m always exhausted and hurting. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and angry and I don’t know why. I have no idea who to talk to. I’m scared if I talk to my doctor they will just think I’m looking for stronger pain meds. Everyone I talked to said I shouldn’t still be in pain but the PTSD will take awhile. This is beyond aggravating.

I just want to help. I need this to go away. I can’t live with constantly reliving the accident. I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

Agony & Denial

This is the three hundred and nineteenth time I am attempting to sit down and get through this post without breaking down into a mess of tears. Here we go.

There are so many years worth of pain hidden deep within me – it’s so much more comfortable to live with it than to work on it. I honestly don’t believe my relationship with God or the church will ever be repaired. I have spent years being extremely pissed off at both. I spent so many countless hours sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor or in the hospital. I remember one time in particular…the pain from my PFRF was so intense I could barely breathe. I fell down on my knees, face to the floor, sobbing, screaming for Him to take the pain away. To give the doctors answers. To get me through this because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the pain. I couldn’t take people staring at me. I couldn’t take getting worse and worse every day and no one could help me. Nothing helped the pain, the swelling, the bleeding, nothing helped.

That same month I almost lost my dad to cancer, stage three on the brink of stage four kidney cancer. They said he would have died very soon if he didn’t come in with appendicitis pain. I remember where I was sitting when my parents told me he had cancer. My dad had never looked so small to me. Just laying there in the hospital bed. I was terrified. My best friend at the time made a comment, “What are you going to do if your dad can’t walk you down the aisle?” I lost it. Within a month we weren’t friends. I didn’t need that negativity in my life when I was going through hell and I was watching my dad go through hell.

I read scriptures on healing, pain, and perseverance over and over and over again. I truly believed God would heal me. I believed He would rescue me from the pain. I believed He would make it all better. Instead I’ve been dealing with five years worth of symptoms, pain, and scars that will never go away. I’m bitter. Instead of getting better I got bitter. I got really bitter. I don’t even recognize myself. My actions, my thoughts, my behavior…I don’t even recognize it. I barely have any friends now because I’m so guarded I refuse to let anyone in.

Agony and denial swallowed me whole.