Alone Time

I fail daily at alone time and spending time with God. I try to fill up every second of my day with something. Work, serving at church, talking on the phone whenever I’m alone, time with friends, video games, youtube…anything to keep me from being alone with my thoughts. I don’t intentionally take that alone time seriously until I am at my breaking point and can barely function.

That is when I escape to the lake for at least half an hour of just silence and staring out at the water. Usually, if I am at the lake it means things are going pretty terribly. I can’t stand being alone with myself, my depression is worsening, and I am allowing my anxiety to control my life. I shouldn’t let it get to the point where I’m not functioning.

My mom wakes up early every morning and has her intentional coffee time with God. She has been doing this every morning for as long as I can remember. It sets the tone for her day and her interactions with everyone around her. She quietly has her coffee, reads her Bible, journals, and talks to God. I’m not saying I am going to start doing that, because I also need as much sleep as I can get for my own mental health…but I need to change how I spend every second of my day. I need to be setting the tone for my day in a healthy way that benefits myself and my relationship with the Lord.

Even Jesus took time away from people to pray. I need to start being more like Jesus.

Advertisement

Ptsd

It’s been over a month since the accident and I’m still in so much pain. Mentally and physically.  The pain meds aren’t working and I can’t sleep.

I thought by now the panic attacks and nightmares would be done but it seems each day is getting worse. I can’t sleep unless I take a sleeping pill but I wake up from a nightmare reliving the crash in a cold sweat. I’m scared of getting hit again and frequently need to pull over because something triggers a panic attack. I start shaking uncontrollably and can’t catch my breath. I’m crying all the time for no reason and I’m sick of it.

My neck, back, and knee are in such intense pain that it keeps me awake at night. It doesn’t matter if I sleep for 2 hours or 14 hours I’m always exhausted and hurting. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and angry and I don’t know why. I have no idea who to talk to. I’m scared if I talk to my doctor they will just think I’m looking for stronger pain meds. Everyone I talked to said I shouldn’t still be in pain but the PTSD will take awhile. This is beyond aggravating.

I just want to help. I need this to go away. I can’t live with constantly reliving the accident. I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

The World is Daunting

The world is a daunting place, filled with miserable nonsense and unfair situations. I didn’t ask to be born into this nightmare. And I am certainly not trying to stay in these unfair situations. They just happen.

The phrase, “This too shall pass…” has become meaningless to me. As soon as one trial passes, another trial pops up in its place. I compare my unfair situations to the mythical creature Hydra. When you finally cut off one head, two more grow in its place. Well when I finally get over one trial, another much bigger one replaces it. It’s not fair. But who ever promised life would be fair? I guess I should be on my knees crying out to God in these times. But I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of the constant. The constant aggravation, the constant pain, the constant frustration. It gets old very quickly.

Finally get my clutch replaced, new door hinge put on, registration renewed, tires rotated, etc….and some guy speeding in a truck crashes into me. I can’t win. I’m not trying to be a martyr or a negative Nancy…I’m just so done with everything. The world is daunting and I’m becoming very tired from constantly fighting. I don’t have a car. I owe thousands of dollars. I don’t have a job coming up. I’m in a lot of pain from the truck crashing into me. They aren’t willing to see if he was texting. And they aren’t paying attention that he wasn’t paying attention. There were no tire skid marks. He was speeding and he didn’t even attempt to slow down. He was a jerk to me at the crash site. He couldn’t have cared less. Besides having to pull my car door open because the car was crunched up…he didn’t care.

How is that my fault?

How am I the one entirely at fault? How come I’m the one in pain, dealing with PTSD, lacerations, and bruised bones. I can’t sleep, I’m having so many nightmares and the pain is too intense for more than thirty minutes of sleep at a time. I’m crying all day long and I’m having constant panic attacks. I feel alone. I’m scared. And I’m worried. I’m on double doses of pain killers and double doses of sedatives to sleep. It’s not helping. I’m a mess. I don’t want to be a mess. I want to have a normal life. I am craving boring right now. I am craving not having to worry about every single aspect of my life. There is no such thing as a smooth straight road. My road has been filled with potholes, caters, road closings, and detours.

I should have died. I really should have died. So why am I still here?