I’m hard wired to put others before myself. To a fault.
My automatic response to “How are you?” is to immediately respond with “I’m fine.” and change the topic to the other person. I’m probably not fine. I’m most likely swimming in a sea of spastic thoughts that can’t contain or regulate themselves. But I can’t let you know that, and I certainly can’t let you in.
It’s a disorganized mess in here. It’s chaos. It’s negative. It’s ugly. I can control what parts you see by never letting you in. I have it down to a science.
This brings me to honesty. It’s crucial in a relationship. You fundamentally need honesty and trust. They go hand in hand. I trust that my partner will be honest and open with me. And he expects the same of me.
I haven’t been that honest and open person in my relationship. I automatically hide my emotions and feelings and thoughts if I think they are going to cause a fight because I’m hurt about something I haven’t communicated to him or what I am feeling would cause my partner to be hurt. But in doing this, I have only been hurting him more. With each “I’m fine.” I have been building a wall. Layer after layer, lie after lie. I have been building a wall between us. We can’t function with this wall between us. It’s an impossible task that can’t work unless I let him in.
So begins my journey to honesty. Honesty with my partner. Honesty with myself. I will tear down this wall that I built and cultivate trust in my relationship.
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all one body.
Luke 6:31 Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
Proverbs 12:22 The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.
What a week it has been. On Sunday evening I had a heart episode while in the hot springs in Ouray, Colorado. Since then it has been an exhausting week of going to urgent care in Albuquerque, New Mexico on Monday, being advised not to fly, going on two flights traveling back to Pennsylvania on Tuesday, being met by EMT’s at the Philadelphia Airport, and going to the ER on Thursday.
It is now Friday and I’m beat and I still don’t have any answers. An MRI, neurologist visit, and psychologist visit are my next steps.
Josh has been incredibly supportive this past week. He has been by my side through the entire thing and has been constantly pointing me back to relying on the Lord by how he shows Christ’s love to me. He epitomizes what it means to be unconditional. And I’m so grateful God has him by my side.
With everything that has happened since November and everything we’ve gone through together, I know for a fact we’ve survived it because God is the center of our relationship. And we laugh….a lot. That definitely helps.
Joy has been on my mind lately so I asked my good friend and sister in Christ, Jayme to help me write about it! Thank you, Jaym!
Well what’s poppin people of kaito’s blog! Allow me to introduce myself…..my name is Jayme. I also have a blog called Just Getting Started. 10/10 would recommend. So anyway. I’m just hopping on here to write a little blurb on joy!
The first thing that pops into my mind when I think of joy is a little kid eating popsicle on a hot summer night. Maybe he’s frolicking in a field? You get the picture. Now here’s a little secret. That joy this kid has is going to end. It will stop. The joy that popsicle is giving him at the moment will end when the popsicle is gone. I feel like that’s what everyone is doing these days. They are trying to find joy in something that will melt, isn’t going to last. Everyone is looking for something that will satisfy them. Quench their thirst. Hate to break it to you, but everything on this earth won’t satisfy you, won’t bring you the joy you are striving so hard to find. So what’s the solution? God. God is the only thing that can satisfy you. Bring you real everlasting joy. You may be asking how does he do that?
So when God created the earth, he made man and women. He let them live in the garden of Eden. God gave them one rule and that was to NOT eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. One thing let to another and they ate from it. This separated them from God. Separated the rest of us from God. They could feel shame and they were embarrassed. Now every one who would ever live was destined to Hell. We were all going and should go because we are all so screwed up. What did God do? He found a way for us to go to heaven and be with him. A few thousand years after the Fall, God sent his son to earth. This is who we call Jesus. Jesus lived on earth like man but never sinned. He lived the perfect life. The next thing that happened? He was crucified. He died. Do you want to know why he died? For you. This is where I find my joy. Knowing that God sent His son to die for me so I could go to heaven. This makes me want to jump up and down. Go full disney princess and scream it from a mountain top. This is joy will last forever. You will still have it after you die. In heaven, it’s literally a party celebrating how rad our God is. Pretty freakin dope if you ask me. That’s all I have to say so i guess back to kait with our regular scheduled program!
I couldn’t have said it any better myself. I struggle with finding my joy in the Lord. I need daily reminders to check my heart and not dwell on my circumstances or try to find my joy in things that only provide temporary happiness. I’m grateful for friends who keep me accountable when I am getting overwhelmed and not relying on God. My joy…my excitement…it all needs to come from Him.
Here are some photos of us being our crazy selves.
Go follow Jayme’s blog for more awesomeness. Jayme’s Blog – Just Getting Started
About two years ago I was in a very brief relationship with someone I’d known for a decade. When the break up happened…I completely broke apart, I was inconsolable for a week, I didn’t think I was ever going to be happy again. I picked myself up and brushed myself off. But it hurt to the very core of my being.
I recently got out of a year long relationship. Do you know what I felt as soon as it was over? Relief. Happiness. Joy. Freedom. It was so incredible I can’t describe it. There was nothing to mourn. There was nothing to be upset, angry, or hurt over. The relationship had no love in it, the word love was never even said. I would say it was a ridiculous waste of time if I didn’t learn so much from it.
My point of this seemingly pointless post is listen to your heart and your stomach, there is something to be said for the vibes they both give off. Your body is more discerning than you think, it will always be honest with you. Love doesn’t have a timeline.