Dear Sister

My heart breaks for you. I am in utter agony as I witness you hurt yourself in the same ways I have these past 15 years. No one deserves to battle an eating disorder. No one deserves the unbearable agony and overwhelming shame that comes with an eating disorder. An ED will take over your entire being to the point of crippling pain.

Every single moment of your existence is saturated in the bitterness of an eating disorder. The control, the anger, the frustration, the shame, it is so overwhelming. It isn’t just eating. When someone tells you to just eat you can’t. It isn’t that simple. It’s not just a switch inside your head, it isn’t just telling yourself to eat.

It’s every single controlling thought swarming around that’s making you physically unable to eat. It’s a battle in your mind of trying to shut out the demons, trying to overpower them while they are overpowering you. It’s pain. It’s torment.

And it’s almost impossible for anyone not going through it to understand.

So dear sister…I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this trial. I wish I could take it away in an instant. And I can’t and that’s killing me.

I pray that you hear God’s voice over the voices in your head telling you that you’re not good enough. I pray that His love is enough for you to get through this. I pray that we can all come together to help you get through this. Because you, my dear, you are good enough. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are enough.

And you are in control… 

She’s Back

I had a mental breakdown yesterday. It might be because of the total lack of nutrients going to my brain or the fact that everything hit all at once. Comments were said to me on Sunday that made me feel like a total failure for battling an eating disorder again. I struggle with confiding in people because of the reactions I’ve received from people I’ve confided in in the past. And it happened again. It felt like a punch to the gut.

The sick and twisted thing is that it feels like an old friend has returned for a long visit. It almost feels comfortable, nostalgic even. But I know it’s a parasitic demon of a disease that needs to be dealt with once and for all.

Work stress, financial stress, not having God time, being completely starving, my paypal account being hacked, and then dealing with a 15 pound jackfruit all didn’t exactly help the sobbing mess I melted into while on the phone with my friend. He totally helped because he’s a smart level headed guy and then he made me laugh for a really long time. Which I desperately needed more than I realized.

Today I feel as if I haven’t slept in weeks and I’ve been fighting the demons inside my head all by myself. I’m tired of fighting. It’s depleting every aspect of my being. To quote an old literary friend, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.” And I’m sick of it. But I don’t know what to do to stop it. Therapy is too expensive, being hospitalized isn’t an option now that I’m a working adult. So I will silently suffer until I reach my breaking point. Taking supplements to offset the never eating can only carry a body so far. The difference with my disorder this time around is I don’t see even an inkling of light at the end of the tunnel.

And that’s terrifying me.